michaelav

So since i last updated, these things have happened

- went away for two weeks to play for the european youth orchestra
- saw/met paramore at islington, hayley, taylor and jeremy recognised me :)
-moved into uni
-started my course
- got shit faced during freshers week
-spent most of the freshers ball being ridiculously ill,and going into anaphaltic shock
- going in an ambulance to a strange hospital ON MY OWN
-crying for hours
-being admitted to a ward.
-being sent home from uni because im too ill to be there at the moment.


having a life threatening viral infection fucking sucks.

first cigarette in 4 days. this best be good!

im so exhausted i actually can't move very far.

working again tomorrow-monday.
dont even know when my days off are. FFS.

moneys though.

my heart hurts its that full of love right now! :) (K)

Wow. I haven't posted in such a long time.
Part of this is due to a hairline fracture of my wrist so i haven't been able to do much to be honest.
I'll explain all about that when i get five minutes.

I'm getting picked up in half an hour for my 3rd lot of treatment, i'll be gone till monday or tuesday depending how well it goes.
Last weekend went really really well, felt so much better after it to be honest.
And the weekend before was awesome, i went with my brother. Which was nice, knowing i had someone cover my back all the time.
So yeah, about 4 sessions left after this one i think.
Sophie's going to come to V with me i think. If i can make that work, need to talk to Dom and Matt obviously, but yeah. We'll see how it goes :)

I'm quitting my job at the pub. I've not been happy there for a very long time now. And after various events that happened while i was off with my wrist, and after the way some people treated me, i have decided to hand in my resignation, and get to the Job centre and find myself a proper job so me and Jazz can afford to get somewhere to live.

That's another thing, me and Jazz are gonna move in. We want to get a house, but that's going to take A LOT of saving up, and getting loans etc. Jazz should be able to get a loan, because he has a secure job that pays the rent sort of thing, however, i don't have a stable job anymore, not that my job was stable, and what with my treatment people aren't gonna want to hire me right now. Having said that the pub never knew i went for treatment every now and again... haha.

I got a new tattoo too :) Onesta on my hip, not gonna lie, it's beautiful. I truly love it. It means Honesty in italian, and well, honesty is the most important part of any relationship, whether it's with a friend, with a lover or with god. You have to be honest, and i've learnt that. I know i'm talking like a middle aged woman, and i'm definatley not that, i'm 18. but i've been through a considerable more than a lot of people, and honesty has been the thing that's kept my family together, and that's kept me here.

I don't really know what else to write, there is one thing i could write about, but i know she doesn't like it being aired to the world so i'm not going to. Let's just put it this way, my heart is in a very happy place right now. I'm confused, unsure, and scared of getting hurt, however, i am unconditionally and irrevocably in love with someone. To quote from Twilight. Seriously though, i really am. And it feels fantastic. I'd give up the world for her. I'd give up paramore for her. Not that she'd make me.

Talking of paramore, not long till Brand New Eyes, i am absolutely stoked to hear it. Heard a couple of tracks, and WOW just WOW!
:)

anyway, my times up.
I'll catch up on my F-list properly when i get back.
Answer me this

favourite song of all time, and why. 3 reasons, and 3 lines that mean something more!!

All my love,
Miki xxxx

p.s Ry get Michael to get LJ, i wanna be best friends with this kid he sounds amazing!!!! :) ly x

Asked her to the cinema, she didn't text back.

So i went with someone else.
she still won't talk to me.
things aren't looking too hot right now.
Part of me believes i'll never see her again.

this part of me actually wants to die.

I half got to the stage earlier, where i thought, i'm not gonna text her. She needs space, i'll give her space, and wait for her to want me back.
or at least admit to herself that's what is going on in her mind.
Then i logged onto facebook and her status is
"has never cried so much"
i text her. asking whether she was ok, and what the tears were for.. I also text her best friend telling him i was worried about her and what her status said.. neither of them have text back. i hope to god she is on the phone to him now.
i hope she's ok.
i hope i have nothing to do with the fact she is crying.

i feel awful today.
and the new johnny depp film was shit. i thought it was gonna be great.
do not like going to the cinema and sitting without cuddling up. it feels wierd.
i don't know how after this long i feel so shitty about the whole situation.
i felt something good.
something really good.

i'm a mess.

i hate being miserable.

gonna ask her to the cinema later. see what goes down, and whether she'll actually talk to me about whatever the hell is going down.


urgh. i hate my life.
definately in a mess again.

another shit day and it's only quarter past 11.

in the morning.
i don't wanna get out of bed.
i don't wanna do anything.
i just wanna curl up in a ball and die.

she needs space.
what the hell does that even mean.

i hope im over reacting, but i feel like i've been used for sex.

:'(

urgh.
i'm in such a bad mood i can't even be arsed with the internet.
sorry guys.


i cut.

ok so i met someone.

i know. i must sound like a complete whore to you guys. i seem to meet people or talk about different people everyday.
but hey.  you only live once, and i wanna keep going until i find someone i wanna spend more than five minutes with.

things with her went a bit off after the whole kim incident. and well, she's very confusing. Lovely and such a good friend, but very confusing.very hot and cold you know.

so i went out. and i met someone.
no joke. my best friends will tell you this, when i'm happy, i smile. and i really smile, i get this little twinkle in my eye.
and it's fucking great.

today, someone told me i had that twinkle back, and i wasn't even with her, it was jsut a text.
then i got picked up, and well got home about an hour ago, sat outside with her in the car for half an hour, and well.
i came in smiling.
im in bed smiling.

and i can feel the twinkle. i said to anna earlier. i could feel the twinkle.

i've got a good feeling about this one.

i just went outside for a fag and a calm down, mainly because it's like
2:46,
and i came upstairs, having left my phone on my bed,
to receive this text

"i can't fucking sleep. it's driving me insane, i wish you were here to hold me. i always sleep better that way. i think i might love you. x"

one kiss. that already pissed me off.
the fact i have to go for a fag to calm down pisses me off too.

and the worst thing.
i wish i  was there too.
i swear to god, if she lived permenantly ten minutes up the road, i'd fucking run to be with her.

but she's nearly two hours away.
which means i can't run to be with her.
or fucking drive for that matter.
i think i love her too.
i officially fall too fast.

im turning into this jealous frickin bitch and i don't like it at all.

i swear to god, everything she does makes me jealous.
but she's knows she's doing it.
that's what gets me even more.
but omg. i never used to be jealous at all.

thing is, i've tried so many times to sorta get her back and make her jealous..
and it seems to work, but then she hits backs and there i go all jealous again.


wth do you do when you have your real life naomi campbell, she's hot as fuck, just generally amazing but so damn confusing.

please dear god, give me a hand here?!
guys (well actually girls, i'm sure half of you have had this issue!!)

everythings so complicated. and i don't appreciate revision.

i should learn not to fall so fast :/

my best friends found her edward though, and i actually approve which is good.

and Jazz has definately got a bella in rach which is lovely :)
sorted things out with the girls. too. which is good.

really want to see her now though :(
one day seems too long.

Well, i don't actually remember posting last night, i was so drunk it's unreal! aha.
Good night though.
Actual amazing night. I woke up with an almighty smile on my face =)

Anywho, Ry did this so now i want all you to do it!

( 36 things )

im so drunk it's unrfucking real and i'csdhes going teo america for four months nedtrxt fucking week.
i'm gonna miss hre so much,
gos dm so durnk.
talking tomore.x
xxx

That blonde bitch winds me up something fucking rotten. if she gets my girl. i swear to god i'll stab her in the eyeballs with a fucking hot poker.


that is all. good night.

Sophie Green.
Hayley Mitchell.
Hannah Wheatley.
Jack Hurrell.

You all do wierd things to me.
I'm not quite sure whether i like it.

right now. it really sucks major balls and a half.

I've got such a lot to write about, but i just don't have the energy to do anything other than sleep.


I'll write soon.
I have been reading everyones journals.

Now you all know that i love this band.
I'm going through some really dark times right now.
As of last night.
But watching this video, made me realise why i'm still here.

It's because of these guys. I can't even describe the feelings that went through me when she spoke my name at 00:56

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MEMyqfYys1U

I know you'll read this.
I still love you. I always will love you. Forgive me. Please.

I got tagged. So i'm gonna do it.

Ten Things about me.

1. I hate myself. Pretty much all of me, i don't like the way i am, who i am, who i will be at all. Honestly i think the world would be awesome if i wasn't here.
2. despite this, i still wanna be here, because right now i'm having a good time.
3. Jareth Brownhill, is my best friend. I love him more than anything or anyone can ever imagine. He is absolutely amazing. So amazing that when we went away for ten days we didn't get annoyed with each other once, and were completley open about everything. To the point were one night i kicked him out the apartmetn so i could get some.
4. I'm beginning to feel like i'm never gonna find a boy to love me. or for me to love.
5. However i think i've found the girl. It's all just too fucked up.
6. I love paramore more than life. Seen them far too many times, met them just as many. On June the 6th 2008 Hayley dedicated pressure to me, after i gave her a copy of her favourite book and wrote a little letter for her. We've talked quite a lot since then. I'm so excited for their new album that i'm gonna come back to the UK for the release date.
7. I'm going to Majorca soon, for a few months. To get away from this shithole.
8. i'm not gonna get where i want in life, but i'm gonna fricking try.
9. I love skins a stupid amount too.. oh my life do i.
10. I'm in such an apathetic mood tonight that this is probably the most boring meme thing i have ever written about myself.